Sophie King

Was waiting for sex worth it? After dating for over 6 years and not having sex, did it live up to what you thought it would? If you could go back and tell yourself all you know now, do you think you still would’ve waited?

These are all some of the questions that were sent in during my Instagram Q&A when I asked if you all wanted to send in topics for me to blog about. Honestly I’m not surprised by any of these questions especially because I was so opened about Physical Boundaries within dating. My “platform” on here is a place where I want people to feel encouraged and uplifted.

When I created my blog I thought about how I wanted to write on subjects that I wish someone could’ve helped me with or answered some of my questions growing up within a world where dating and intimacy questions weren’t always answered clearly. I remember the google searches that I typed out when I was younger trying to gain clarity on what a godly dating relationship looked like. Why I didn’t just ask my mom and dad? Not sure, other than fear of embarrassment maybe? But I ended up actually going to them and talking to them about a lot of different questions I had once I started dating. But then I realized, not everyone lives with a mom who is opened about subjects like this, or a dad who has been in the ministry for over 30 years and has his doctorate.

So now, I would love to answer some of those questions that perhaps you just googled and found yourself here. Or maybe the questions you’ve been asking yourself because you’re in a long term dating relationship and you’ve been struggling with physical boundaries. Or maybe you opened this because you didn’t wait for marriage and you’re curious what my words would be on this subject.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever decisions or choices you’ve made that have led you here, I want you to know this is a safe place and I am praying that you walk away from this blog feeling uplifted and encouraged.

Sex is desirable. God created us to have sex. God created sex as a gift to us.

Luke and I chose to wait to have sex for when we got married. The extent of our experience was kissing. Dating for over 6 years with little experience physically can raise some eyebrows and cause some to be confused as to why we would choose to do that. Some wondered if we would regret that decision or if we would realize later on we actually “weren’t all that compatible.” That assumption or question often hurts me. Not personally but just in general because of the tainted view of what sex is.

Let’s be frank really quick and just be straight forward…waiting for sex is difficult. But it’s not impossible. I remember many many days, nights, and dates where Luke and I or one of us had to protect our relationship. We wanted to have a relationship founded on love, communication, and Jesus. Rather than getting caught up in emotions or feelings which could’ve led to having sex way earlier on. Being physical within a relationship too soon has been known to end some relationships that perhaps could’ve lasted if they had founded it upon other solid foundations. It’s not necessarily science, however there is science that supports the power sex has within our minds. Which leads me to saying, Luke and I were aware of this. So we knew that whether we were to marry one another or actually break up and marry other people, we wanted to protect ourselves and each other from this. Purity isn’t just virginity. It’s the position of our hearts. Did we struggle with purity? Yes. But we continually reminded each other of what God intended for marriage and would pray and ask God for forgiveness. This actually grew in us the ability to work hard and protect our relationship creating strong foundations of valuing purity together. Which this concept of protecting purity within marriage has and will come in handy.  Was it worth it? Yes. But perhaps not in the way I would’ve expected if I heard my answer before I got married. What do I mean?

This may be awkward, in fact I feel awkward typing it, but maybe that’s because it’s just a thought we all have had and no one really talks about it….when you’re kissing your boyfriend/girlfriend or your fiancé before marriage, your mind can go to the place of “I can’t wait to be fully known/fully loved.” It can also get to a point where both or one of you say, “we need to slow down before this goes too far.” Physical intimacy gets to a hot and heavy place quick. A feeling that we are curious about and long for. It can be a desire that is mysterious and unknown. Kind of (exactly) like the forbidden fruit concept. We want it because we’re curious of the feeling. Lust isn’t love. And if sex within marriage is love, than what separates sex outside of marriage/ inside of marriage? A question we may all have.

Sex within marriage is much more of a trust exercise where you grow in patience, love, support, prayer, and towards God together. Sex outside of marriage doesn’t lead you closer to God until you get out of it. Sex within marriage reflects the oneness the church has with Christ.

What was I surprised to experience within marriage? Experiencing the wall of temptation and sin that we fervently fought within dating, crumble down to the ground and we were able to be fully known and fully loved. Emotional intimacy helps grow physical intimacy. The more we went to Jesus together within marriage, the more we grew physically.

I thought the “worth the wait” question before marriage was based on how it felt. “It was worth the wait cause it was the best ever!” Is what I expected/ interpreted that question as. But it actually was worth the wait because I have experienced a trust bond with Luke growing us closer to Jesus. The feeling and all that goes along with it, but that’s not what stood out to me, although yes- that too is worth it.

If you have experienced pain in this area of your life, and you wonder what that will be like within marriage, let me just say this:

GRACE, LOVE, JOY. Jesus will meet you as you grow intimately towards Him. And the beauty of sex within marriage is that as you grow towards Jesus you will see how you also grow closer together, and as you grow closer together, you grow closer to God. Which is unlike anything you have experienced outside of marriage.

The world cheapens sex. Lust and temptation is a cycle that causes false intimacy. (Yes I’m referring to porn, sexual intimacy outside of marriage, sexting, thought cycles). False intimacy based on feeling and desire is all that it is. A cycle of pain, shame, guilt, false intimacy, nothing we were intended for, but that the enemy thrives on like poison. The forbidden fruit that sparks curiosity. Sex within marriage is a spiritual and trust bonding experience that is beautiful and unlike the cheap sex the world advertises.

There’s a famous quote that talks about how “the enemy tries to bring people together before they get married but then once they’re married does everything he can to separate the couple”…it’s true. That desire and temptation is a cyclical sin pattern that actually distorts the gift of what God intends sex to be.

Sex is great. And I’m sure some who are not married and having sex would say that as well. They’re not wrong, but the definition of it is different.

Sex feels good, yes. But it’s more than that.

If you’re struggling within your dating relationship, know that you’re actually so much stronger than you realize, but you have to refocus your mind on what the true definition of intimacy is.

If you’re in a cycle of struggling with false intimacy, such as porn, or your thought life is not in a place where God intended it to be…you are more capable of taking charge of your mind than you realize. Seek help. But just know that no accountability can “heal” you of this, it has to be a choice you make, going to Jesus and seeking Him. You’re in charge of your thoughts and what you do with them. It’s actually insanely freeing when you take control of your thought life. RENEW your mind in Christ. Replace the thoughts with Christ honoring thoughts.

If you have previously struggled and went too far, know that God can restore, heal, and gift purity to you in a way where there’s redemption and joy.

Our choices and decisions matter, so the more you dabble in that cyclical pattern of lust, the more difficult it can be to gain strength to turn it around. So seek out help if you’re struggling in this way but desire to have a healthy relationship.

Sex is worth the wait. But for more reasons than just the feeling.

Thanks for reading,
Tay Ruth

All photos taken by: Kim Johnson