Hi, it’s Tay. It’s been awhile since I shared on here for many reasons. But one of those reasons is because I think I have needed this time for some healing.
It’s a part of growing. It’s a part of recognizing that I am an incomplete piece of pottery that God is continually molding. Sometimes as He’s molding me, the pottery is not ready to be used as a plate for a meal of encouragement and wisdom. The piece is in the making.
I have been spending time writing between me and the Lord as He restores my relationship with writing again. There’s more about my testimony that maybe one day I will share. As the writing I have been doing has been so good for my heart and mind. It’s been filled full of tears, restoration, stretching and growth.
I wanted to talk about waiting. Waiting has been a part of my story and God knows me so well. He understands that I am always looking ahead for what’s next…He knows what ultimately will shape me more than that adventure coming.
The waiting in my life felt like a pressing down of my dreams, the crushing of my heart. At times it felt like there was never an “ease” to anything.
Several of my seasons of waiting have wrapped up but I wanted to share with you what I’ve noticed that has come from my many different seasons of waiting. I’ve experienced things most 23 (nearly 24) year old’s haven’t, there’s no boasting in that as it’s actually been very hard.
I thought that the end of the waiting, the fulfillment of my hopes and dreams, would mean that I would have a victory party with a joy that was so contagious that everyone around me could feel it.
But instead I’ve recognized that as I reached the top of the mountain called waiting, instead of looking and admiring the view, I have been bent over trying to catch my breath. But you expect for the top to be an instant gratification and moment that you take in.
I’ve waited in my life for engagement, marriage, healing, a legal case to end, my pain and suffering to dissipate…and each time I have come to what I longed for, I find myself still longing for the next. But God is showing me that even if I get to the top of that mountain, I can’t wish it away for the next. I have to take my time to catch my breath, look up and see where God has brought me and reflect where I’ve come from. But beyond that it’s taught me that nothing on this earth can satisfy my desire for more and for fulfillment. Not healing, not engagement, not marriage, not the end of a legal case, nothing can satisfy my soul. The only thing that will bring me to a place where I’m not longing for more is Jesus.
I asked myself before each season that seemingly was coming to the end of waiting, “what am I waiting for?” and now I always remind myself that all that I truly am waiting for is Jesus. All the rest is good. My hopes and dreams are not bad, but they won’t fulfill me. Healing in my mind and heart won’t complete me.
I haven’t experienced complete healing in my physical body or mind. But I’m no longer longing for that as much as I’m longing for Jesus. If my last breath on this earth is one where my physical body is still in pain and my mind fights daily, then let me glorify Jesus right where I am. Let God be glorified in my pain. Let God be glorified in my waiting. Let God be glorified in the season that I am without longing for the completion of a season.
Thanks for reading,