Relationships on social media often look so romantic and cute. I posted the kissing photo with this blog because, well I thought it was funny + fitting. Luke and I have grown up together which means we are really comfortable around one another. That can be such a positive thing when it comes to communication because we really understand one another, but it also can be dangerous because our comfort around the other can also cause some disrespect at times.
“Do you guys ever argue?” is one of the questions that have been sent in a lot on my instagram Q & A’s, and I think the reason is because a lot of people just see photos on an app and see beautiful, romantic, and happy words. But what they don’t see is the tough conversations, the tearful exchanges, and the silent treatments that I have given him when I was 15 years old. Luke and I are not the type to yell or be quick to argue. We actually rarely have big arguments. However, we do have moments where we get very frustrated and have to take a moment to breathe.
I remember one particular argument that we had around year 3 or 4 of dating. I remember expressing everything I was feeling (I am an external processor) and he sat there in silence. The silence was really fierce and I couldn’t handle it so I kept trying to fill the air with words. He was just sitting there looking straight forward with not a word coming from his mouth. I said, “have you even been listening? How can you just sit there in silence after all of that? Do you have any response? anything?” He looked at me and said, “I am processing.” Now what I wish I would’ve said was, “thank you for telling me” because THAT was a response. But instead I said, “what is your initial response? can you tell me what you’re thinking?” which then overloaded him with words to process more.
That argument had an underlying issue, which was communication and how we process. It was a repetitive one. Me expressing all my thoughts and staring at a silent guy. I became so desperate for communication that I actually reached out to my mom and his mom to gain understanding on how to communicate with one another. That is when I learned he was an internal processor and I was an external one. When we learned this, it helped us immensely in our communication.
We always remember that we both are on each others side. It is not “me against him,” but rather, “us together.” The words, “I am for you.” or “I am with you.” have helped us so much when communicating and during our little arguments.
We learned somewhere that if you hold hands while you argue, it helps you to remember you’re for each other. That seemed extensive for me to try to do. But instead I have learned how sitting towards one another, and looking into his eyes, helps me to remember that we are for one another rather than trying to get my point across and be right.
Luke and I have also found that hearing one another out during times where we are non emotional and not arguing, helps us better understand how to love each other during the heated argument times. So, simple questions to ask when things are happy and not tense, “How can I show you that I am for you and not against you during an argument?” or “What would be helpful for me to do when you are closed off or cold?” or “How should I respond when you start to get emotional?” Those sorts of questions help prepare you for those times so that you can work together rather than a part.
I am always a huge advocate for counseling, pastoral mentorship + accountability, and praying with a great godly counsel. You are loved and I hope that this blog is encouraging for you.
Thanks for reading,
Link for the giveaway items:
Hinds Feet on High Places
Cocokind Matcha Moisture Stick
Cocokind Turmeric Stick
Rifle Paper Co. Journals (couldn’t find the exact ones, but here’s one’s like it!)
Chocolate Lust Maybelline Lipstick (060)