Are you in a season of waiting currently? We all are waiting on something, or have before. Whatever we are waiting for may be small, or large which can be life changing. Some of us may never experience the change we desire and some of us don’t even know what we are waiting for. Just so you know, you will be reading the word “waiting” a lot. I could have easily changed the word to another vocabulary word but it’s just what it is, waiting.
This topic is something that I have constantly had to go to God about… expectations, waiting, desiring change, all the above.
Here is a look into my journal, my thoughts that I have often not shared. But as I go back and read my emotions I realize how relatable they may be for you. And I realized that Jesus can work through my days of confusion and realizations to bless someone else who may be currently walking through that. I often write in ways where I take a step back and write as if I am writing about my past…even when I am currently going through it. Not sure why I do this, but I do. So here we go, a page from my journal:
My heart began to beat fast as I thought about all that is to come.I did not have the words to express or the tears to shed as my body felt exhausted from every emotion I had.
Leaving a place and moving to the next is difficult for my mind to transform what I know into something I don’t.I had a hard time losing control of what is to come. Waiting, waiting has been difficult for me.Sometimes the season of waiting is only a day. A day until one finally hears what their GPA is. Or sometimes it’s a week. A week before they finally hear the news they’re longing for. Sometimes months. Months until one may find out what job they will have or home they will live in. A year. A year until one may know where their relationship is headed, or what their health treatments may be. Or years. Years of waiting for a precious life to be conceived, or years to find the one in whom their soul loves. Years of transformation through waiting.Waiting is powerful. It shows the condition of my heart. Am I content in the waiting?
I have been in seasons of waiting for periods of time and each day that passes and the more I wait, I find myself becoming numb to being thankful.
My brain circulates through the deep thoughts that often never meet my lips because I cannot find the courage to tell God about the true feelings in my heart. I have felt pain and sadness because of waiting. But I have also felt immeasurable strength and growth through seasons of waiting.
As I spend time with God, I am realizing that a lot of my waiting reflects what I treasure the most. So much waiting when it comes to my relationship, my health, my job, my family, and my passions. Sometimes I catch myself dreaming or wishing I was just one step ahead at all times. Waiting for that season that I just so desperately would rather be in, than the one that I am in now.
I have also felt like I have been waiting on the Lord. Waiting for Him to direct me to my next place, waiting for Him to hear my cries and respond to me. But He spoke to my heart when giving me this realization- my biggest treasure in my life is meant to be Him. I can wait upon the rest, but I must focus on Him. It’s a way He is teaching me patience.
I was reading Psalm 73 and it talks about people putting their desires and hopes in earthly splendor, but it all goes to waste. The earthly passions and treasures slip away, they don’t last. But then it talks about the one who hopes fully in the Lord and the one who desires nothing but the Lord, that treasure lasts.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”Psalms73:26
My passions, my desires, that which I wait upon are not bad, in fact, a lot of it is good. But it’s not good if I am not seeking the Lord as my passion and my biggest desire. It can turn into a divide between Jesus and me if I am becoming hard hearted towards thankfulness for all that I do have. I must, above all else, seek God as my treasure.So during this season of waiting, I am choosing to be content where I am. Even if it’s not the plans I have for myself, or what I have envisioned for my life. God has a plan. I am choosing to be thankful. And to put my treasure into Jesus and allowing for the rest to be placed into His hands.
Maybe you have written journal entries like this one. Or maybe you just didn’t know how to put it to words…or maybe this is a new way of looking at it all. Whatever it may be, I pray that this encourages you.
So, if you are in a season of waiting and you find yourself exhausted…hear me when I say this…You are not alone. I have been tired too. Waiting is hard. But I also want you to hear this, pick yourself up, pick your waiting up, and hand it to Jesus. Begin to find what you are thankful for during this season that you’re in. If all you can find during this season is “I am thankful that I can go to Jesus.” Let that be the biggest joy of your life.
Thank you for reading,